School feels immaterial. The only solid material presence is the grade, somewhere on a computer, then the certificate eventually... I suppose most important things are immaterial...though some immaterial things would not exist if not for material things. They are codependent.

It has come to my attention recently that all of our particles originated from the insides of stars. I love proverbial facts. Astronomy is full of them.

I have ambitious summer goals. I have accomplished so much in the past few months of school- psychology, astronomy, anthropology, biology.  The best way to award myself is to do things with my hands. Make things that only I know how to make. My psychology teacher explained that some people have high need achievement, and I learned that I am one of those people.

I want to make music. I have so many abstract ideas that have never actualized...but they aren't fleeting ideas.  They seem to lay dormant infinitely and emerge when prompted. Sometimes I write things down, like "melody change at start of drums" or "slow down at chorus".  I want to sing. We'll see.

I want to finish and then start some drawings. I have lots of ideas for drawings.  Drawing is very important to me, and I have been neglecting it lately. Almost as much as I have been neglecting writing.  I am thinking about choosing creative writing as my major in college. I would like to spend excess amounts of time hearing what other people think about creative writing, and for them to tell me how I should write creatively. I don't plan on following their advice necessarily, but I think that every person has a wealth of good ideas.  I think I will probably end up as a music major, though.

I also want to bake a loaf of bread from scratch, and learn how to pickle and can things.  I like the idea of many jars filled with different things that won't spoil until I open them.  Especially things that I put together myself with no pictures or words on the jar. 

I think I am going to Europe to see my boyfriend perform at MIDI festival in the south of France this summer. We might also go to Belgium, London, Paris, and Barcelona. I eagerly anticipate. I wish I was playing, though. That would be fun.

I feel sad that people wish that I wrote more. I love to write. I have been a bit shy the past year or so, for unknown reasons. Writing is very personal. I need to learn how to write more ambiguously. I promise to try.

UNDER CONSTRUCTION.

In the meantime, I have been tumbling and taking photos.

<3∞

My mom's garden

Some photos I took recently:

-My cat came home after running away for over a month.

-Working with Super 8 soon! Maybe in slow motion...I have to convey an emotion in a 2 minute silent film for my class. Think I might do "nostalgia". Been feeling fairly nostalgic lately.

-Weather turned grey and cold once again.

-Finally found an Olivetti Lettera typewriter.

-Children's book a little over halfway finished...hoping to get that done very soon.

-Loving music class, writing notes is so much fun. Hoping to make some music of my own sometime in the near-ish future! Really want a harpsichord that doesn't cost a fortune.

-So many vegetables all the time lately! Teaching myself how to cook Asian food.

-Miss my mom and Jamie and my stepdad. And my sister. And and and and. So many people! 

-Grass Widow is having their record release tomorrow, and they are playing with a string trio and a choir! Should be cool. More info here.

-That's all for now. Do something cool today!

-

What to write about? How does one choose out of everything?


River, sunflower, pneumonia, panther, Jerusalem, fractal, 1967, marzipan, semicircle.


What would a graph look like that compared their respective rates of growth and decay? What determines growth and decay? Does everything grow and decay? Does anything grow or decay? 


“Have you also learned that secret from the river; that there is no such thing as time? That the river is everywhere at the same time, at the source and at the mouth, at the waterfall, at the ferry, at the current, in the ocean and in the mountains, everywhere, and that the present only exists for it, not the shadow of the past nor the shadow of the future.” -Hermann Hesse

 

I have started classes for the fall semester- archery, film production, and music fundamentals. They are perfectly complementary- my frame of thinking never shifts from class to class. I shoot arrows, I shoot films, I notate music- what's the difference? They tell me I'm supposed to find one that I prefer over the others, which is unfortunate, but it's not forever.

Preference, preference, preference. The poisonous obligation of modern times. A wretched word, preference. I advise whoever is reading this to use the word preference as little as possible, only when it is required of you. Don't have a preference. Don't compromise yourself to liking just just one thing best of all- one flower,  one career,  one song. Your favorite. 

Why aren't they all favorites? What is this identity we are creating for ourselves? You're just a sunflower. A semicircle. 1967. You're everything and anything, you're things that don't exist and things that once existed, big huge things, microscopic things, water, sound, light, memory, evolution, apples.

It is important to be a force, an enigma, a flash of light. Make unintelligable sounds, color an entire piece of paper one color, or three colors. Pour water on your head when you're feeling hot. Make a map. Fall on the floor. Exercise your innate and astonishing capabilities, at any age and in any circumstance.

But sadly, these are just words. A stifling limitation indeed. Perhaps it would be better if you just sat on the sidewalk outside for a bit and thought about the purpose of sunflowers, why they exist and what we use them for, and then made that purpose your purpose, letting every decision you make comply with the mission statement of sunflowers. I think that would be a nice change for everyone. 

Good things have been happening, but I have been neglecting this.

I have many tasks to complete at the moment, but I promise to update soon!

I promise I promise I promise.

More photos I took recently:

My friend Matt showed me some really great music awhile back that I thought I'd share. It's this guy who plays under the name Fanuelle (pronounced fan-welly).  I'll spare you my description because I find it mainly consists of general endorsement- the music almost transcends real definition in a way that is a bit difficult to articulate. You can download/listen to some songs here on his website . My favorites are "Dirty Loverstuff", "I Live for the Holy Name", "J", "Lille", and "Time Stands Still".  Hope you enjoy!