fading lights are fading

2011-05-28T19:07:00.000-07:00

School feels immaterial. The only solid material presence is the grade, somewhere on a computer, then the certificate eventually... I suppose most important things are immaterial...though some immaterial things would not exist if not for material things. They are codependent.

It has come to my attention recently that all of our particles originated from the insides of stars. I love proverbial facts. Astronomy is full of them.

I have ambitious summer goals. I have accomplished so much in the past few months of school- psychology, astronomy, anthropology, biology. The best way to award myself is to do things with my hands. Make things that only I know how to make. My psychology teacher explained that some people have high need achievement, and I learned that I am one of those people.

I want to make music. I have so many abstract ideas that have never actualized...but they aren't fleeting ideas. They seem to lay dormant infinitely and emerge when prompted. Sometimes I write things down, like "melody change at start of drums" or "slow down at chorus". I want to sing. We'll see.

I want to finish and then start some drawings. I have lots of ideas for drawings. Drawing is very important to me, and I have been neglecting it lately. Almost as much as I have been neglecting writing. I am thinking about choosing creative writing as my major in college. I would like to spend excess amounts of time hearing what other people think about creative writing, and for them to tell me how I should write creatively. I don't plan on following their advice necessarily, but I think that every person has a wealth of good ideas. I think I will probably end up as a music major, though.

I also want to bake a loaf of bread from scratch, and learn how to pickle and can things. I like the idea of many jars filled with different things that won't spoil until I open them. Especially things that I put together myself with no pictures or words on the jar.

I think I am going to Europe to see my boyfriend perform at MIDI festival in the south of France this summer. We might also go to Belgium, London, Paris, and Barcelona. I eagerly anticipate. I wish I was playing, though. That would be fun.

I feel sad that people wish that I wrote more. I love to write. I have been a bit shy the past year or so, for unknown reasons. Writing is very personal. I need to learn how to write more ambiguously. I promise to try.

2010-12-29T22:22:00.000-08:00

UNDER CONSTRUCTION.

In the meantime, I have been tumbling and taking photos.

<3∞

My mom's garden

2010-10-03T22:32:00.000-07:00

2010-09-10T00:27:00.000-07:00

Some photos I took recently:

-My cat came home after running away for over a month.

-Working with Super 8 soon! Maybe in slow motion...I have to convey an emotion in a 2 minute silent film for my class. Think I might do "nostalgia". Been feeling fairly nostalgic lately.

-Weather turned grey and cold once again.

-Finally found an Olivetti Lettera typewriter.

-Children's book a little over halfway finished...hoping to get that done very soon.

-Loving music class, writing notes is so much fun. Hoping to make some music of my own sometime in the near-ish future! Really want a harpsichord that doesn't cost a fortune.

-So many vegetables all the time lately! Teaching myself how to cook Asian food.

-Miss my mom and Jamie and my stepdad. And my sister. And and and and. So many people!

-Grass Widow is having their record release tomorrow, and they are playing with a string trio and a choir! Should be cool. More info here.

-That's all for now. Do something cool today!

2010-08-29T10:01:00.000-07:00

What to write about? How does one choose out of everything?

River, sunflower, pneumonia, panther, Jerusalem, fractal, 1967, marzipan, semicircle.

What would a graph look like that compared their respective rates of growth and decay? What determines growth and decay? Does everything grow and decay? Does anything grow or decay?

“Have you also learned that secret from the river; that there is no such thing as time? That the river is everywhere at the same time, at the source and at the mouth, at the waterfall, at the ferry, at the current, in the ocean and in the mountains, everywhere, and that the present only exists for it, not the shadow of the past nor the shadow of the future.” -Hermann Hesse

I have started classes for the fall semester- archery, film production, and music fundamentals. They are perfectly complementary- my frame of thinking never shifts from class to class. I shoot arrows, I shoot films, I notate music- what's the difference? They tell me I'm supposed to find one that I prefer over the others, which is unfortunate, but it's not forever.

Preference, preference, preference. The poisonous obligation of modern times. A wretched word, preference. I advise whoever is reading this to use the word preference as little as possible, only when it is required of you. Don't have a preference. Don't compromise yourself to liking just just one thing best of all- one flower, one career, one song. Your favorite.

Why aren't they all favorites? What is this identity we are creating for ourselves? You're just a sunflower. A semicircle. 1967. You're everything and anything, you're things that don't exist and things that once existed, big huge things, microscopic things, water, sound, light, memory, evolution, apples.

It is important to be a force, an enigma, a flash of light. Make unintelligable sounds, color an entire piece of paper one color, or three colors. Pour water on your head when you're feeling hot. Make a map. Fall on the floor. Exercise your innate and astonishing capabilities, at any age and in any circumstance.

But sadly, these are just words. A stifling limitation indeed. Perhaps it would be better if you just sat on the sidewalk outside for a bit and thought about the purpose of sunflowers, why they exist and what we use them for, and then made that purpose your purpose, letting every decision you make comply with the mission statement of sunflowers. I think that would be a nice change for everyone.

2010-08-03T13:47:00.000-07:00

Good things have been happening, but I have been neglecting this.

I have many tasks to complete at the moment, but I promise to update soon!

I promise I promise I promise.

2010-07-23T09:46:00.000-07:00

More photos I took recently:

My friend Matt showed me some really great music awhile back that I thought I'd share. It's this guy who plays under the name Fanuelle (pronounced fan-welly). I'll spare you my description because I find it mainly consists of general endorsement- the music almost transcends real definition in a way that is a bit difficult to articulate. You can download/listen to some songs here on his website . My favorites are "Dirty Loverstuff", "I Live for the Holy Name", "J", "Lille", and "Time Stands Still". Hope you enjoy!

2010-07-22T23:31:00.000-07:00

Some photos I took recently:

2010-07-11T23:21:00.000-07:00

I thoroughly enjoyed the use of the term "half ass" to describe my recent blogging sans writing...simplifies it better than I ever could. Thank god for anonymous.

Which words would I use to describe the past 6-12 months? Ephemeral perhaps? Ubiquitous? Those generally seem to summarize anything and/or everything.

"Communication is a process whereby information is enclosed in a package and is channeled and imparted by a sender to a receiver via some medium. The receiver then decodes the message and gives the sender a feedback. All forms of communication require a sender, a message, and an intended recipient, however the receiver need not be present or aware of the sender's intent to communicate at the time of communication in order for the act of communication to occur. Communication requires that all parties have an area of communicative commonality. There are auditory means, such as speech, song, and tone of voice, and there are nonverbal means, such as body language, sign language, paralanguage, touch, eye contact, through media, i.e., pictures, graphics and sound, and writing."

I guess what I'm trying to say is

I'm currently visiting my parents in Encinitas, trying to finish this children's book I'm supposedly illustrating. "My room" is stripped of everything I once associated it with, aside from the dimensions, the obtrusively mirrored closet doors, the once-vintage chair newly reupholstered with discount turquoise and white paisley, and an oil painting I did in high school of a disproportionate girl unzipping her dress in a bathroom. It's all a very blank, sanitized, strange scene if you ask me. "The yoga room". Boring perhaps, if it wasn't so abrasively lime green. Spending lots of time on the computer, staring off into space, and driving aimlessly. Remembering to take my vitamins and use astringent. Memories like little sharks, or like jokes that aren't very funny. Palm trees, Hannah, backyard, television, thrift stores, Fry's Electronics, three meals a day.

My neighbors had a barbecue earlier in the evening and my mom was showing everyone the magazine I helped produce. This very drunk man talked to me for ten minutes about his brief career as a motorcycle journalist, and how people like to spend money, especially on themselves, and then about a cruise he took with a motorcycle magazine editor where the water was so clear you could see the bottom, and he asked the boat driver if it was too shallow to drive in, and the boat driver told him it was 30 feet deep. I didn't quite understand why he included this detail- I suppose it was meant to be impressive. I told him I thought it would be good conditions for snorkeling, which he agreed with.

Influence has been an interesting topic to me for the past year or so. To be influenced, to influence, and the questionable space in between. Today at the barbecue a little girl showed me her sketchbooks with photocollaged covers of Justin Bieber, and drawings inside of Garfield and strange masks and hearts with arrows through them. They were great. She liked my drawings too, and I told her that when I was her age I used to draw Betty and Veronica from Archie comics, to which she responded with a blank stare. I meant to encourage her with that one, but I guess it wasn't 3-D enough or whatever. Maybe they've already moved on to 4-D, who knows really. I do think people should draw though, in general. Everything, everywhere, everyone, every day. It's much more important than most other things. And I'm not just projecting- drawing makes everything make sense. It's not just a skill, it's a dreamcatcher- an almost always accessible visual representation of thought made by one's hands. You don't have to show them to me, but seriously, make a drawing a day. You'll live that much longer...maybe even forever.

Other News:

-I signed up for fall classes a few days ago. I'll be taking Writing and Literature, Archery, Electronic Music Lab, Scientific Illustration, Habitat Resoration Field Studies, and Film Production. There is no clear goal in sight, obviously.

-I recently purchased an '84 grey Volvo 244 with brown leather seats and a sunroof. It's almost perfect.

-Meryl and I realized with great disappointment that there is no infinity symbol in text messaging. I am still coming to grips with the horrible reality of this handicap.

-My family's cockatiel Jesse imitates the microwave and the fire alarm, as well as the wolf whistle and the Andy Griffith themesong. Also, they taught him the happy birthday song especially for my birthday, which was two days ago. I appreciated the gesture, but to be honest, I would've probably preferred "Drops of Jupiter" or something along those lines.

2010-06-26T09:05:00.001-07:00

2010-06-12T16:01:00.000-07:00

2010-05-26T10:27:00.000-07:00

2010-05-18T21:28:00.000-07:00

2010-05-18T12:21:00.000-07:00

2010-05-14T16:06:00.000-07:00

2010-05-09T22:58:00.000-07:00

2010-05-01T23:16:00.000-07:00

2010-04-27T01:49:00.000-07:00

2010-04-21T05:48:00.000-07:00

"The three of them formed a pretty Arcadian combination as they dropped on the turf under the great weeping cedar, whose aberrant limbs extended an oriental canopy (propped up here and there by crutches made of its own flesh like this book) above two black and one golden-red head as they had above you and me on dark warm nights when we were reckless, happy children. Van, sprawling supine, sick with memories, put his hands behind his nape and slit his eyes at the Lebanese blue of the sky

between the fascicles of the foliage."

-Ada, or Ardor by Vladimir Nabokov

Just remembered that and had to put it somewhere.

i climb where i can see

2010-04-17T16:46:00.000-07:00

2010-04-06T00:23:00.000-07:00

2010-03-28T10:58:00.000-07:00

2010-03-24T10:28:00.000-07:00

2010-03-21T10:39:00.000-07:00

i paint a design

2010-03-10T14:42:00.000-08:00

“Concepts can at best only serve to negate one another, as one thorn is used to remove another, and then be thrown away. Only in deep silence do we leave concepts behind. Words and language deal only with concepts, and cannot approach reality.”

- Ramesh Balsekar

never get so attached to a poem you forget truth that lacks lyricism

2010-03-09T09:27:00.000-08:00

2010-03-07T19:46:00.000-08:00

2010-03-06T10:41:00.000-08:00

drunk

2010-03-05T01:25:00.000-08:00

2010-03-03T12:13:00.000-08:00

everyone is here

2010-03-02T01:00:00.000-08:00

2010-02-26T12:00:00.000-08:00

easy

2010-02-23T00:23:00.000-08:00

take no jam on your bread

2010-02-21T10:38:00.000-08:00

2010-02-19T13:59:00.000-08:00

i couldn't begin to show you, not like this

2010-02-17T22:29:00.000-08:00

i'm not laughing but i thought i would be

2010-02-16T02:26:00.000-08:00

2010-02-13T12:42:00.000-08:00

you are this color

2010-02-12T11:16:00.000-08:00

2010-02-10T16:03:00.000-08:00

faster, it's alright

2010-02-09T11:11:00.000-08:00

((photos by me))

missed connections

2010-02-03T16:34:00.000-08:00

we know now what we have known

2010-02-02T02:06:00.000-08:00

This Person
by Miranda July

Someone is getting excited. Somebody somewhere is shaking with excitement because something tremendous is about to happen to this person. This person has dressed for the occasion. This person has hoped and dreamed and now it is really happening and this person can hardly believe it. But believing is not an issue here, the time for faith and fantasy is over, it is really really happening. It involves stepping forward and bowing. Possibly there is some kneeling, such as when one is knighted. One is almost never knighted. But this person may kneel and receive a tap on each shoulder with a sword. Or, more likely, this person will be in a car or a store or under a vinyl canopy when it happens. Or online or on the phone. It could be an e-mail re: your knighthood. Or a long, laughing, rambling phone message in which every person this person has ever known is talking on a speakerphone and they are all saying, You have passed the test, it was all just a test, we were only kidding, real life is so much better than that. This person is laughing out loud with relief and playing the message back to get the address of the place where every person this person has ever known is waiting to hug this person and bring her into the fold of life. It is really exciting, and it's not just a dream, it's real.

They are all waiting by a picnic table in a park this person has driven past many times before. There they are, it's everyone. There are balloons taped to the benches, and the girl this person used to stand next to at the bus stop is waving a streamer. Everyone is smiling. For a moment this person is almost creeped out by the scene, but it would be so like this person to become depressed on the happiest day ever, and so this person bucks up and joins the crowd.

Teachers of subjects that this person wasn't even good at are kissing this person and renouncing the very subjects they taught. Math teachers are saying that math was just a funny way of saying "I love you." But now they are simply saying it, I love you, and the chemistry and PE teachers are also saying it and this person can tell they really mean it. It's totally amazing. Certain jerks and idiots and assholes appear from time to time, and it is as if they have had plastic surgery, their faces are disfigured with love. The handsome assholes are plain and kind, and the ugly jerks are sweet, and they are folding this person's sweater and putting it somewhere where it won't get dirty. Best of all, every person this person has ever loved is there. Even the ones who got away. They hold this person's hand and tell this person how hard it was to pretend to get mad and drive off and never come back. This person almost can't believe it, it seemed so real, this person's heart was broken and has healed and now this person hardly knows what to think. This person is almost mad. But everyone soothes this person. Everyone explains that it was absolutely necessary to know how strong this person was. Oh, look, there's the doctor who prescribed the medicine that made this person temporarily blind. And the man who paid this person two thousand dollars to have sex with him three times when this person was very broke. Both of these men are in attendance, they seem to know each other. They both have little medals that they are pinning on this person; they are badges of great honor and strength. The badges sparkle in the sunlight, and everyone cheers.

This person suddenly feels the need to check her post office box. It is an old habit, and even if everything is going to be terrific from now on, this person still wants mail. This person says she will be right back and everyone this person has ever known says, Fine, take your time. This person gets in her car and drives to the post office and opens the box and there is nothing. Even though it is a Tuesday, which is famously a good day for mail. This person is so disappointed, this person gets back in the car and, having completely forgotten about the picnic, drives home and checks the voice mail and there are no new messages, just the old one about "passing the test" and "life being better." There are no e-mails, either, probably because everyone is at the picnic. This person can't seem to go back to the picnic. This person realizes that staying home means blowing off everyone this person has ever known. But the desire to stay in is very strong. This person wants to run a bath and then read in bed.

In the bathtub this person pushes the bubbles around and listens to the sound of millions of them popping at once. It almost makes one smooth sound instead of many tiny sounds. This person's breasts barely jut out of the water. This person pushes the bubbles onto the breasts and makes weird shapes with the foam. By now everyone must have realized that this person is not coming back to the picnic. Everyone was wrong; this person is not who they thought this person was. This person plunges underwater and moves her hair around like a sea anemone. This person can stay underwater for an impressively long time but only in a bathtub. This person wonders if there will ever be an Olympic contest for holding your breath under bathwater. If there were such a contest, this person would surely win it. An Olympic medal might redeem this person in the eyes of everyone this person has ever known. But no such contest exists, so there will be no redeeming. This person mourns the fact that she has ruined her one chance to be loved by everyone; as this person climbs into bed, the weight of this tragedy seems to bear down upon this person's chest. And it is a comforting weight, almost human in heft. This person sighs. This person's eyes begin to close, this person sleeps.

-My friends Aaron Brown and Ben Chappell just made this video for Cold Cave, and I was totally blown away by it. They have quite a knack for not ruining songs with their videos- they're always just really complimentary and mysterious. Check it out:

-Such a good job guys- you've got some serious skills. Look out for the interview I did with them in the first issue of Yesyesyes (formerly Manifest) magazine coming out early March! We just finished the content, and now Sandy's wrapping up the layout- should hopefully be going to the printer sometime this week! So excited to actually hold it in my hands. Took a lot longer than anticipated, but it was well worth the wait 'cuz our friends over at NO are going to be picking up the printing tab for us!! Which is just totally amazing and we are beyond stoked and grateful to those guys. With the economy the way that it is, getting this project funded seems miraculous- still in disbelief that we pulled it off. And the best part is, it's still gonna be $0.00! Freefreefree.
-Also if you're not in SF and want a copy, e-mail me at yesyesjess@gmail.com and we will try to send some over. For those of you that are local, there should be a release party some time soon (the day before it goes out to stores), so you can get your hands on a copy then! More updates on that to come soon.

2010-01-31T19:58:00.000-08:00

2010-01-30T19:30:00.000-08:00

i wear black on the outside, cuz black is how i feel on the inside

2010-01-29T10:48:00.000-08:00

-So I've been toying with the idea of "Going Goth" for awhile, maybe it's time?

-I have this spike bracelet from Hot Topic I wear sometimes
-I was thinking maybe not an "Everyday Goth", more of a "Sometimes Goth" depending on what happens to me that week

-Wednesday Addams is possibly my fave goth. Ever since I was little me, I always related to this girl right here. Does that give me OG (original goth) status?

-I mean, come on:

Words of Inspiration:

"(Gary) Numan bewildered the music press. He was a driven, creative, angst-ridden 21-year-old loner who still lived with his parents at the peak of his success. While angry like his punk contemporaries Numan could not relate to the specific political issues they were singing about. Numan suppressed his anger and “got really hung up with this whole thing of not feeling, being cold about everything, not letting emotions get to you, or presenting a front of not feeling”.[8] Furthermore, Numan’s admiration of wealth alienated critics and fellow musicians; Yes recorded a sardonic song about him, “White Car,” for their 1980 album Drama, a reaction to his habit of tearing around London in the white Chevrolet Corvette given to him by Beggars Banquet.

Around this time, Numan also developed his distinctive style. Numan claims this was an unintentional result of acne. Before an appearance on Top of the Pops he had “spots everywhere, so they slapped about half an inch of white makeup on me before I’d even walked in the door. And my eyes were like pissholes in the snow, so they put black on there. My so-called image fell into place an hour before going on the show.” Numan claims his “wooden” stage presence was a result of extreme self consciousness and lack of talent.[8] He also wore costumes and openly proclaimed his influences: David Bowie, Marc Bolan and contemporary electronic acts such as John Foxx’s Ultravox. His persona was aloof, alien and androgynous. Numan was not seen to be part of the punk or New Romantic movements. During this period, Numan generated an army of fans calling themselves “Numanoids”, providing him with a fanbase which maintained their support through the latter half of the 1980s, when his fortunes began to fall precipitously."

This pic suggests to me that maybe I already am a goth, just Goth In Denial? Maybe this post is really just me coming out of my Goth Closet.

(are you in the Goth Closet? If so, give me a call, I'll talk you through it no prob)

In high school, I dressed as Arwen from LOTR for Halloween. I even ordered an Everlasting Light necklace off the interweb, just in time for the big day. I think this qualifies as Nerd Goth, which is a subdivision of Unintentional Goth, which is even truer than True Goth. This period of my life was possibly a product of not fitting in, not being cool, wanting to fit in, and wanting to be cool. Note the dyed brown hair. Lots of time spent organizing the iTunes.

Probably thinking in this pic: "I can put this pic on MySpace and then those who truly appreciate LOTR will accept me as one of them! I can finally be a part of something."

I strongly identify with Nico's lyrics, she looks pretty goth in this pic

-This is a photo of me as a goth, put some song lyrics in there but in Hoefler Txt cuz you probably wouldn't understand anyway

-Note that goth me has grey hair not black, because I am only a Sometimes Goth

(This post dedicated to Carles .)

2010-01-28T18:30:00.000-08:00

glue

2010-01-24T16:50:00.000-08:00

2010-01-23T12:27:00.000-08:00

2010-01-23T00:25:00.000-08:00

2010-01-21T09:02:00.000-08:00

2010-01-20T21:32:00.000-08:00

2010-01-20T00:27:00.000-08:00

NEW MUSIC OVERLOAD

WRITING A LOT

SOLID GOLD FRIENDS

BORED/CONFUSED SOMETIMES

SOMETIMES EUPHORIC

FEEL LIKE LEAVING AGAIN

YES AND NO

DON'T FEEL LIKE DRAWING OR TALKING OR WAITING

JUST WRITING SITTING LISTENING

MAYBE ITS THE WEATHER

language was made for more than ordering fries and breaking hearts

2010-01-19T18:26:00.000-08:00

-Live footage of new Joanna Newsom is incredible
-Loud thunder and lightning and lots of raining

-"Shortcomings" by Adrian Tomine in tan
-Blankets

-Drinking lots of water
-Bob Dylan fever

-Consistency
-Cat

-"The universe is a system that creeps up on itself and says ‘Boo!’ and then laughs at itself for jumping."
-Blankets

-Endless uncontrollable procrastination
-“Then, I turned around and walked to my room and closed my door and put my head under my pillow and let the quiet put things where they are supposed to be.”